Sunday, August 14, 2005
Damn you mother nature
My biological clock must be going into overdrive. My Uncle just sent over pictures of his first born son holding his first ever grandchild. I had been told only a few weeks before that my cousin's girlfriend was pregnant, and the news had yet to sink in completely when all of the sudden I am staring at a picture of my beaming cousin (who is only a year older than me), his proud mother and this little tiny creature new to the world. I immediately burst into tears. The emotional reaction startled me, but I just felt this overwhelming awe and pride in my cousin, who used to tease me and make me eat dirt as a young child and who is now a father. I went out to buy clothes for the new little guy, and again, while wrapping up the tiny set of blue baby clothes, the tears started to fall.
Now, I do not want a child. Not yet. But I've been plagued recently by baby dreams from which I wake up feeling fulfilled and whole. I feel like I have to keep reminding this female ticking time bomb within me, that while my child bearing hips might say otherwise, I would rather not have a poor defenseless little being become dependent on unemployed, unable to balance a checkbook let alone save money for a college fund me.
so why the baby dreams? Why all the tears at my cousin's new child and its mini clothes? Does my body know something my brain doesn't? Then again, I cried at an episode of the Simpsons a few days ago - you know, I don't think its a biological clock, just PMS. Age 25, going on 12. Thank God for birth control.